Have you ever snorted two lines of Dilaudid in the morning and walked out into rainy Tokyo? 

It’s the best feeling ever. The futuristic cityscape. The crush of people. The flashing neon lights, beckoning you into strange places. Being in Tokyo already feels like drugs, so putting opiates on top of that was like heaven itself. Except, of course, the night sweats, and the overdosing, and the lying. Sneaking drugs onto an international flight always made me feel badass, partly high from the drugs and partly high from the secrecy. 

See, I could always ‘pass.’ Staff at airports and hotels always took one look at me and thought I was just a harmless nerd. Yes, I do like improv, and yes, I used to write fanfiction for Naruto, but I can like those things and ALSO do drugs. They are not mutually exclusive.

Illustration by @jennyydesigns

These are the things I think about when I’m isolated, lonely, depressed, and unable to sleep. When I get a nasal drip from allergies, I’m reminded of snorting pills. Signing onto a Zoom meeting reminds me of all the online chats I spent hours in while high, the specifics of which I’m too embarrassed to name. I will say, however, that I’d sometimes log onto Chatroulette and Omegle just to count how many strangers’ penises I could see in half an hour (I forgot the number, but I’m sure it's gone up since the quarantine). 

I’ve been going to AA meetings since getting sober, and I’m eternally grateful for that program. But lately I’ve graduated to a new program called SLAA (sex and love addiction anonymous). and I feel like I’m newly sober again, experiencing some real step 1 feelings. See, I met a guy right before the quarantine and it made me realize that emotionally unavailable people are my new drug of choice. The highs, the lows, and then the inevitable withdrawal. Every text message I receive is another line of powder. I thought this to myself one night: only an addict would find a way of doing drugs while technically staying sober.

I've truly made this quarantine all about myself - which is exactly the thing I'm trying to stay away from.