Most of my life, I assumed that getting sentenced to house arrest was basically like being let off for a crime. BOY, WAS I WRONG! Half the reason I went to rehab in the first place was to avoid my inevitable incarceration. Now, I am stuck in a treatment center during a lockdown. I am basically on sober house arrest and I have completely lost my mind. As it turns out, I have no options left but to lean into that. The time between day and night has completely blurred. My body has fully adjusted to this and has decided that the only meal I am going to get hungry for is breakfast which, I think we can all agree is not the most important meal of the day. Anyone who has ever said that eating eggs, bacon, and syrup covered breakfast cake, was being paid off by Big Breakfast.
Seemingly the worst part of this lockdown, for me, has been other people asking me what the worst part of this lockdown is for me. I don’t know Stephanie. Maybe that when I was dipping in and out of depressive episodes and staying in bed for the last 24 years no one seemed to mind, but now that strangers aren’t allowed to openly cough in each others’ faces the whole world has started to lose their goddamn minds. On that note, stop telling all these white supremacists to not drink bleach. Let nature take its course. I promise you, we don’t need them.
My level of boredom has culminated in me making TikTok videos and dating app accounts. My roommate swipes through dating apps and Facetimes with random girls every second of the day. I basically have two roommates now; you have me, my roommate, and Rachel H. (Please note, her last name does not begin with an H, I have just lost track of these girls’ names and have decided to start referring to them by letters… also, I do not know if their names are all Rachel, but my roommate has a type so this is simpler for me.) He gets an unreasonable amount of matches on these apps. If put side-by-side with the number of global COVID-19 cases, you would be hard-pressed to distinguish them. It’s not a mystery to me why. He has a jaw-line, a Roman nose, and a single chin. I hear girls like that kinda stuff. When it comes to my success on these apps, things are not so bright. I have always thought of myself as an acquired taste who is, on paper, a rather difficult sell. Not to mention, I am a terrible salesman… but it is not my fault when the product is so poorly designed.
If the level in which I am losing my mind is not clear yet, please find me a through-line between what I started writing this piece about to what I am now ending it on.
If anyone knows where my stimulus check is… please send it directly to my drug dealer.